My Life (Period)

To think or not to think???

2006-05-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've been consistently questioning why this person would say this or that. I would analyze what reaction would be appropriate. I've been second guessing things. Waiting for approval. Now I realize that I don't need it. That I have to do what I feel is right and go from there. If I screw things up, then I'll analyze my actions.

What has caused this constant personal scrutinization. Why is it that I can't live in the moment? .... There I go thinking again.

Thank You

2006-05-07T20:11:00.000-07:00

I want to put a simple thank you out there for anyone who has been supportive of me the past two years. I've been through a lot, and I'm still going. Again thanks to all.

Motivation

2006-05-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm posting from Jenn's apartment. We've had a good discussion tonight about motivation. The question is what motivates each of us as individuals. Jenn replied with a simple, streamline, yet sufficient response. "I want to be important in someway, no matter what aspect of my life" The spotlight then fell on me. Jenn's summation of me was brutally honest yet quite accurate. She told me that while most would think my motivation lied in helping others, she knew that helping others was a defense mechanism I have. A way to fill up or cover up any void that exists in my life. That I'm amazingly capable of taking a thought or ideal, and applying myself to it. Not just in an acceptable manner, but rather to the point my entire life revolves around it. Strangely enough this assessment is quite true. It explains much of my personality and other peoples reaction to me.

But it still fails to answer the original question. What is my motivation? Guess I have some soul searching to do.

Holy Update Batman!!!

2006-05-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

So apparently people are thinking that I'm dead. But this guy has just been extremely busy.
Why?
Well a job for one. I am an Outside Sales Engineer for Interstate Wire. Which means that I drive around the Midwest telling people why they should buy wire from me. It's a lot like Rush, except money is involved. I love the job, but occaisionally the competitive aspects make me want to vomit. I've never been around so many ego driven personalities in my life. My boss is growing on me, but sometimes he is very hard to keep up with.

Also, I've been busy psuedo-advising for my Fraternity. Now, most would think this to be an easy task as we are one of the best, if not the best, Pike Chapters in the nation. However, there is always room for improvement. So I'm taking on the challenges that lie ahead. Many of which include pumping up a stale Alumni Relations program, helping develop an actual chapter education program, and filling in the blanks elsewhere. I've been really proud of various parts of the programming aspects of the chapter. Espeacially the realm of Associate Education and Community Service. The Associate Educator, Jeff Kennedy, has taken a more personal role to his position. With that I think he has created strong bonds with his associates. Instead of the structure of the organization, he's taught them the values of the Fraternity. I can't wait to call these new guys Brothers. The Community Service Chair, Travis Kidwell, has worked extremely hard to get the chapter over 3000 service hours this year. I've been amazed at how well he gets the job done. Initiation as well as banquet is this weekend. During Baquet, I will present the first annual Alumni Association Zeal Award. I'm kinda nervous about giving a formal speech in front of everyone.

Alas, I've finally reenterred the dating world and with it comes fun times and not so fun times. I was set up on a blind date last week. While it went well, I think I would end up in another Christy like relationship. Where I give but don't recieve. I met someone this weekend who I would like to spend more time with, but don't want to push it.

Well that is the goings on in my life. I'll preparing a more deep thoughts post for later tonight. Hasta Lasagna!

Surgery

2006-02-21T17:38:00.000-08:00

Over the past 1.5 weeks my navel has went from leaking, to swollen, and now it is black. Tomorrow, it will be gone. I've herniated my umbilical cord, and am having surgery tomorrow. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Watching the first step

2006-02-15T11:47:00.000-08:00

I have so many things going on it's hard to enumerate them, but for you, my loving audience, I shall attempt.

1) Job Potential with Interstate Wire:
Interstate wire makes wire for a myriad of functions. I am currently gunning for an Outside Sales Job. Why is this so cool? This company currently has 2 outside salesmen for the entire country. The have over 10,000 accounts and only call on about 900 of them. This gives me the opportunity of a lifetime. I will be attempting to get on the bid list of several companies. That in essence is my job description. Of course this also entails quite a bit of travel, which is a plus for me. As well, I will start out working out of my home. It sounds like the perfect job right. Well, it is, but I'm am going to have to be strongly diciplined and willing to sacrifice a lot of time and energy. However, I don't have anything to sacrifice. I have all of the time in the world. I'm setting the stage for my future, and I'm making sure it's a bright one.

2) Friends that are doing better
It seems that all of my friends that had problems are doing better. I had once been fearful of the destructive mindsets of a few of them. Now, I realize that all of them are capable of leading healthy, happy lives. They are will to deal with the past and move on. I wish them the best of luck.

3) A Fraternity that has it's shit together.
I'm seeing growth and development out of my Fraternity. However, I also see discontent out of a few political groups. There is always a balance to be found between tolerance of different mindsets and the expectations of membership. This balance has been teetering for years. As Keacher would say, "it's a sinusoid." It has a perious of about 4 years (imagine that). The most important thing that I've seen though is the enthusiasm of many (not all). As well, our character is still shining through. Our expectations of Brothers to learn and grow from mistakes and to develop into a better person. Our acceptance of those who need it. The state of my Fraternity is good, and with that I leave it in capable hands. I will visit, and remain abreast of situations. Nonetheless, I will stay out of the mess.

4) Girl opportunities:
I recently wrote what I want in a future wife. Hopefully, I'll soon be able to pursue romantic relationships again. It's not because of an emotional temperance rather my finacial situation. Here's the description of my dream wife.

My future wife will be an assortment of wonderful things, and it’s likely that imperfection is key. Mostly she will be as caring for me as I am for others. She will be able to take on the world herself, but still ask me for help. She doesn’t require daily compliments, but accepts them humbly when they are offered. She laughs a sweet laugh full of joy and characteristic of a full life. She is unafraid to cry and unafraid to smile. She can open her own door, but is thankful when one is opened for her. She is courageous, yet able to admit she’s scared. She can trek to the highest mountain as well as dress in the finest gowns. She can enjoy every moment life blesses her with while remembering to plan for the future. She can deal with my clutter, while reminding me to be tidy. She is nice, yet truthful. She gives and receives. She has baggage, and is willing to share it. She sees past flaws and is fearful of the flawless. She looks beautiful when she’s in her pajamas, and is unafraid of no make-up. She is confident without being conceited. She is wild and crazy at times, and tame and calm at others. She respects people inherently, but knows that respect is easy to lose. She sees through my masks and into my soul. She’ll dance like no one is looking. She will gaze at the cosmos with wonder and comfort. She has that uncommon grace that unlikely stature.

The only bummer in my life is my parents. I just wish they would realize just how lucky they are to have each other.

Pike Pride

2006-02-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

I had a fun and interesting weekend. Melissa asked me to go to Terre Haute with her. We left on Friday in hopes to extend our visitation time with great friends. Upon our arrival, I find out that many of my Brothers are at the basketball game (Foam Finger Night). Walking into the arena I see Batta, a Pike alum who had recently returned from the UK. I enjoyed seeing a past familiar face as much as enjoyed NOT being the only Alumni who had returned. Little did I know that two other blasts from the past had returned to the House. I later found Luke McKinney and Bill Middendorg playing pool at the Pike house. I may be wrong in saying this, but this is the most I've seen of fellow Alumni in a long time. I'm excited to see my fellow alumni returning to the house to visit and meet the chapter's future. I hope I can perpetuate this.

Later that night we went to the Bally for a Rich Hardesty concert. It's awesome to drink with my Brothers. Mel and I parted ways at this point. I was later called into a small instance of damage control at the end of the night.

Mel had asked me to Terre Haute to attend a Tri Delta/Delta Sig event known as Polar Ice. Polar Ice consists of sitting out in twenty degree weather drinking beer until you feel warm. Being a Pike, I felt drastically out of place. So, I ate my burger and went to Pike to hang out. I enjoyed simply jumping from room to room discussing Pike's future with the Freshmen. I've seen these guys go from strangers to Brothers in eight weeks and am damn proud of them.

Finally I got to attend a Rush event. I once again met the Fraternity's future. I liked the guys at my table quite a bit, and wish them the best of luck. The Brothers will decide on Bids tomorrow. We initiated 34 of our Fall class. We have 6 master associates and we could sign as many as 13 new guys. 47 Freshmen is amazing, I just don't know where we are going to put all of them. I have faith that we will find a way. It's been a fun weekend.

Developing anew

2006-02-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

Well, after a week of getting/training for this sales position I realize that I'll be losing money if I work for them. As well the ethically reasoning of their management weren't up to my standards. As such, I resigned. I'm currently looking for a job now, and have luckily found quite a few leads. Wish me luck.

I'm realizing quickly that I really want to redevelop my relationship with my parents, espeacially my mom. We had a connection for the longest time, and due to my bratty nature that connection was severed. Nonetheless, things are mending. I'm learning to be at peace with her and she is learning the same of me. We are laughing again, which is a good thing. I've also realized just how disconnected my sister is from my parents. I hope that I do not become this detached. Other than that all is well on the surface, however no one ever truly knows what lies in the shadowy depths.

Again, I'm looking to start dating again. I've missed this type of ainteraction. The flirtation, the discussions, the physical intimacy (take that as you may) all tempt me, but I know that I don't have the assets to afford a romance right now. Maybe when things settle down I'll find someone to hang out with.

As well, I can't wait to spread my independent wings. I know I'll falter occasionally, but I've got a plan, and I'm sticking to it. This summer may be one of the better ones. I really miss skiing, and need to begin working out to increase my stamina.

As well, going back for initiation was fun. My phone went off in the middle of one, making me look like an ASS!. So I owe my lineage dinner. I think we'll be cooking on the grill for that one. The Spring class is coming in and I can't wait to see what'll happen. Good luck to the Garnet and Gold.

Leaving Home

2006-01-23T19:15:00.000-08:00

I have an interview tomorrow for an entry level sales position. I'm hoping to get an offer so I can get out of this house. If the salary is right i'm looking into buying a car as well. I'm looking at either an SUV or a sedan. I really like the Mitsubishi Galants. But we'll see what they offer me.

I love my parents but they are driving me insane. They do nothing but work and sit around the TV. I don't see how they do it. Conversations between us are strained. Moreover, conversations between my mom and dad are strained.

Mom has recently told me that she is going to give my dad a year to shape up or she's leaving him. Dad is trying all he can to change, but I don't know if he is capable. Unfourtunately, trust is the biggest issue at hand. My Dad is currently paying for his past mistakes. Something he hasn't had to deal with until now. I hope all turns out well, but it's going to take a great deal of communication between the two of then, and many of the lines seem to be down.

I found out that my ex step mother told him I wouldn't make it at Rose. I'm glad I proved her wrong. I am currently photocoping my degree to send to her. As vindictive as it sounds, this is the one woman I hate. She took away my father when I was 10 and I'm just now getting him back.

I've been Mom's sounding board. I've heard her try to figure out if loving my dad is futile. I realize her position, but can only think that she was the one who re-entered this relationship knowing there were problems to be solved.

All of this makes me want to leave this house. To rid myself of the stress of living with an unhappy mother and an unaware father. I want to be on my own, finding a girl that I can have fun with and developing myself for the future.

The Next Step

2006-01-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

It's amazing but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. Like my life actually makes sense again. I've determined that the Peace Corps isn't going to work for me. It was to be my journey into the wilderness that allows me the time and perspective to define my own purpose in this world. Something I now realize, I don't need time away to do. My purpose is still what it was, to help others. However, my purpose doesn't have to be my career. Moreover, I hope it's not. I'm guessing that I am going to cross paths with so many people and have the opportunity to affect each of their lives. As well attaching a dollar amount to helping someone cheapens the experience.

So what am I going to do with my life?

I am currently applying for sales positions at several companies. After a few years of experience, I hope to get into the Medical Device field. Where every day I'll be showing physicians the next generation of tools to help them save lives.

So what caused this epiphany?
Time. And the realization that I already have found myself. I've found many of the things that make me happy in life and that I have to embrace them.

I have friends who respect me and look out for me. I have a family that has supported me through a myriad of stupid decisions. I have the ability to accomplish any goal that sets in front of me.

So what's next?

Aside from the job, I want to get out of this house. Once on my own I hope to be able to start working to better Iota Delta's Alumni Association and Housing Corporation. As well, I need to start dating. I need to open myself up to the idea of a serious relationship.

I'm not afraid anymore, I'm going at life headon

Just when you think you have it all figured out.

2005-12-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you have it all figured out life seems to bite you in the ass. I am debating whether to leave for the Peace Corp or to once again set out on the educational journey of life. This time entering into the world of Psychology or Counseling. This is a field that I feel extremely blessed in. The ability to listen and gain trust in another person nearly immeadiately. But I would be sacrificing several more years of my time and a energy. It would be necessary for me to attain a PhD which would likely take me 7 more years to complete. Not to mention the bills that I already have looming in my background. So, how is it that I can be here. How is it that I can be a the crossroads and not know a DAMN thing.

As well I've been thinking about my relationship status. I see myself with a girl and am completely able to see marrying her. One problem, we're already friends. I don't know we'll see.

That's the short version the long one will come later.

The holidays

2005-11-25T22:57:00.000-08:00

So here it goes. Moving back in with your parents is tough. They are great about it, but it feels amazingly awkward. It seems I have no privacy, no way to escape their scope. It's not that they are prying, they are just present.

Saturday, I go to IU for a party. I was delighted by the festivities. But was again reminded that I'm too old for the college party scene. Someone knocked my drink from my hands FOUR times that night, it was a sign that I shouldn't drink. Someones hand definitely landed on my crotch a few times that night, her name shall be omitted for protection of the innocent.

The sunday before Thanksgiving calls for a traditional party at my sisters home. This year was celebrated with a Keg and a feast that could feed an army courtesy of my sisters betty crocker of a roommate. As the night progress, lights and sirens appeared outside the windows. No, they weren't there to bust the party. In fact they wouldn't allow us to leave. We turn on the news to find that a cop had been shot in the face only a block from my sisters house (she lives in the ghetto), and the criminal was at large. I definatly didn't feel safe, in fact I was pretty scared. Nonetheless, that night I was able to talk at length with two very attractive girls. One a seemingly down on her luck photographer who was waitressing to make ends meet, but only until she left for some undetermined foreign country. She was a party girl, but cute. Then, she lit up a cigarette. She's done in my book. The second is a little younger, 20. But she is studying Pre-Med at IUPUI. Cute , smart, doesn't smoke. But SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. Oh well, good convo with good beer. I slept there and moved on.

Tuesday I attended the funeral of my godfather's mother. It was sad. I cryed, I always cry. But on the way home I asked my parents if they were going to get married again. I had silence for the rest of the care ride. Apparently that's a sore subject.

Wednesday was the traditional Thanksgiving High School reunion. This year was stange because of the lulls in the conversation. We, as a class, are starting to fall into routines. Other than that, I had one of my High School tormentors apologize for acting like a High Schooler. I was happy to be able to say that helped me grow to be the strong individual that I now am.

Thursday was turkey day, and my family had seafood chowder. I love haveing a non traditional family. It was T day and it was me, Amanda, mom, dad, and whitney (Amanda's friend). No more no less.

Today was black friday, as such my parents and god parents went out. This year they didn't go shopping. Of course I don't think they did any year. Just another reason to eat, drink, and be merry. I stayed at home, nursed my head cold, and read.

I don't know what tommorrow holds. Hopefully not a head cold.

Reflection and the help of friends

2005-11-05T05:02:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been questioning myself, my very being. I feel as though I am drifting. The only passion I currently have is the Fraternity and that frightens me. What is my grander purpose? How do I fit into the big tapestry? My usual sentiments is that my role is to help others, but why is it that even though I'm doing that I feel like I'm leading a meaningless life. How is it that I feel inadequate to the challenge of being independent. I had been having cold feet about the Peace Corp but am now realizing that it is what I need more than anything. This could very well be the life defining moment that I've been waiting for. I am petrified though of leaving what I've grown so fond of. The past four years have given me what I've always needed, to be respected. Now I have that and it seems that I have a strangle hold on what should be my past, but what is very much my present. As such I know that I am going to be leaving developing relationships and allowing them to lie fallow. Possibly never to come to fruition. I need to start taking control of my own life and proving to myself that I am capable. Here goes.

p.s. Thanks to Jenn and Mel. Two friends who always remind me of myself. Something I tend to forget on occasion.

Hurican Katrina Relief

2005-11-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

So, I just got an email. Discussing sending a relief team down to Florida. Seeing as I am not doing anything at the moment, it is only befitting that I provide whatever support I can to those in need. We'll see if I actually can go. It should be a great time.

The final moments

2005-10-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

So as I'm thinking about leaving thoughts keep creaping into my head about what my future is. I can only hope that it is bright. I am having doubts on the Peace Corp. and I dont know why. We'll see.

The day after

2005-10-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we signed 39 men. That is an amazing feat. A few loose ends are still out there, but we'll just have to wait and see. As is typical about half the class doesn't drink. It's the morning of the day after and I'm up by 8:30. Here's to Pi Kappa Alpha

Bid Tuesday

2005-10-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

So tommorrow is Bid Tuesday. For non greeks, Bid Tuesday is the day freshmen rushees decide if and which fraternity they want to join. I'm anxious as this could be large group or great guys. Sadly, I remember my Fall Bid Tuesday as one of the more melancholy days of my life. I had rushed ATO for about 4 weeks. I don't know what I saw in the guys that I liked, perhaps they resembled the "cool" group from high school. Nonetheless, I had been invited to their last large Rush event and looked with the desire to be "cool" looked past things I knew to not click with my personality. Like, the massive quantity of Alcohol being distributed around the Bus. The event, going to an all nude strip club. Being metro, I had dressed up. I even brought a new leather jacket, BIG MISTAKE. I walked away from my seat and the jacket disappeared. I immeadiatly began searching and asked the Brothers of the Fraternity to help me. To which I recieved a cold shoulder and mentions of hurry up cuz the bus was leaving. In the end, my jacket was lost cause. I still wanted to be a part of the "elite" so to say. I went in on Bid Tuesday opened my envelope and found a single "No Preference" card. Looking back I thank God for that moment. Not because ATO is a bad Fraternity, but because ATO didn't fit me. I definitely would not be able to deal with the 12 weeks of hell (Rush is the word) those who joined ATO did. Eventually I found the Fraternity who fit with me. Upon joining I was immeadiately enthusiastic, and since my zeal has rarely wavered. I am now an alumnus Brother of the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity and I doubt I can express the emotions that come to mind when I think about my experience.

So tommorrow is Bid Tuesday. Tomorrow I will see the men who I will eventually call Brother. It will be a fun event. I can only hope that each and every man that joins will have as amazing experience as I have. Over my years I've served many roles, and learned many lessons. Here's to the Alpha Rho Class!

I'm old

2005-10-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight we had our Blue Chip Dinner. It was actually a great event for the freshmen to see us telling stories on one another. Afterward I played basketball for probably 1-2 hours. I'm sore, old and winded. But all in all I had a great time.

Tonight I sat down with Brent Covelle in hopes to convince him to become the next Pike Rush Chairman. I think he would be a great kid for the job. It's an task and a half, but I know he has to will and personality to do it well.

I am toying with the notion of moving to Indianapolis if I get a job up there. Currently my job situation is horrible. I hate going into work every day and expect to be bitched at about something that probably isn't my fault. I will say that I haven't met her expectations, but this is only due to a lack of communication skills on her part.

This old man is going to bed.

An Update finally

2005-10-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile so this may be a long post. One homecoming was a point of mixed emotions for me. I be an alumni living at the house seemed torn between two worlds. One small fact was that I met up once again with Scott Terek. A Brother who was in our Epsilon class, thus was a part of the colony and knows many of the founders. Since he has graduated he has only missed one Homecoming, a feat I would love to match but am wary that my peace corps obligations will be prohibitory. Homecoming in general was wonderful.

I recently went to Madison Wisconsin to intiate a large group of Brothers into the Ranks of our Fraternity. While there I had the opportunity to watch other chapters perform the intiation ceremony and once again found myself displeased with the debauchery many chapters make of the ceremony. I have the entire ceremony memorized, so hearing mistakes or even the leaving out of parts was evident. Moreover, they were reading when they skipped these lines. I digress. Seeing the passion in the eyes of these men was amazing and invigorating. The following day we were told we were the ideal chapter by the international president of Pi Kappa Alpha. Due to our knowledge of Ritual and so on. That night was a celebratory banquet. We, not having dates, decided to find some. Weldon, my great grand little, literally asked a waitress. Amazingly enough, she truly considered it. Eventually we went to a sorority and I being the nominated "ladies man" acquired three "dates" for my Brothers. In the end the girl were nice, but not extremely interesting people.

This past weekend I attend the Delta Gamma Hayride. It was a very fun event, and the girls seem to really enjoy hanging out with the Pikes again a good thing for the social lives of my Brothers. Nonetheless, something was missing. I really miss having that group of girls that would come to every Pike Party just to hang out with me. The ones who I have a ton of inside jokes with. The ones that drunk dial me, or get drunk with me. The ones who have cared for me when I've been down and out, and celebrated with me. The ones who drove to Indy to get a dress at 2 am so I would have a date for a banquet. In case your wondering I'm talking about Mel and Jenn. These two have been amazing influences in my life and would make any qualified man a wonderful wife. I miss you two.

Other than that I can't wait to see what men decide that they want to be Pi Kappa Alpha. RUSH PIKE!!! ATTITUDE CHECK

A fun weekend

2005-09-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

So my weekend began with a low key "bachelor party" Which brought back some of my fellow alumni (Rory, Kleinline, Whidden, Koch, Alex Lo). Stu was back as well, but he was working for catapillar. It was good for the soul to riminise about old stories and tell new ones. I didn't feel as old as I do when I'm just sitting around the house.

Saturday brought a ton of interesting things like a huge football tailgate party and a great turnout from freshmen. Later that night I attended another Fraternity's sattelite house party, which got busted. So I'm 3/3 for busted parties at other houses.

Today I went to church. The sevice revolved around remembering 9-11 and arrousing support for the hurricane relief. The man message was to rise up and take action in helping the brotherhood of man. I was amazingly uplifted by it all. It was as though God was telling me that the Peace Corp is the right decision for me. And that I need to take this opportunity to grow spiritually as well. Thanks to Cameron for inviting me.

2005-09-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

A good Relaxing weekend

2005-09-05T07:20:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was really nice. I went back home for my Grandma's B-day party and a family reunion. Both were nice. The b-day party was at the local VFW and as such the beer was only $1.50 and mixed drinks $1.75. This is amazing as it cost at bare minimum $3.50 for a beer in Terre Haute. After I ordered I attempt to pay with a credit card only to be informed that the only accept cash or check. Wow, was I back in Greene County or what. It know makes sense that for the first two years of college all I used was cash.

The following day I woke up early to help mom set up for the reunion. We (my immediate family) had traditionally held the reunion at our house when I was younger because. It had been at least ten years ago though. Amongst all of the goodies that mom had bought for the 30 some great grand kids (I have a family of 89 people) was a slip and slide. For those who don't remember the slip and slide was an ingenious toy that was simply a 3 ft by 15 ft strip of plastic which had it's own built in sprinkler system. When I was younger it seemed like this HUGE slide. Now, it's a dinky piece of plastic. Odd how this change when you get old.

After the reunion I left for the lakehouse. It was nice and calm it seemed like was with my second family which is a wonderful feeling. This time it was only me and mel and her family. While I love the big groups there, it inevitably leads to chaos, confusion or lack of space. I randomly met so Theto Omicron Pike alums who were anxious to tell stories of their times at my fraternity house.

I came home and cleaned up. It's been a good, relaxing holiday weekend.

Life ends

2005-08-27T00:48:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I learned that my grandma has been put in the hospital for a condition known as Bell's Palsy (http://www.bellspalsy.ws/). This is odd to me because the foreshadowing of my last visit seems to be a forboding signal that this is some of the last few years that my grandmother will be around. Knowing this causes me to be unmotivated to take the plunge into the peace corps. But I know that if my Grandmother were well she would slap me for even considering it.

Tonight I went on a walk with Cleve. A Brother with whom I hadn't shared a lot of personal insight. After an hour of talking on one of my famous bridge walk's I had learned a great deal of his own personal situation and found the converstation quite enlightening as usual.

I will say this over and over I'm sure. Everyone has a story, you just have to listen to it.

Good times had by all.

2005-08-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

So my roommate has moved in. And began building a wall. It's awesome to leave for work in the morning and return to find progress being done. It's also nice to see more people working than me and Forrest. With more and more people returning my excitement for the following months is building. I can see motivated guys. I can see enthusiasm. I'm excited for rush. As I am alumni now I can pick and choose my level of involvement at anytime. There are a handful of guys that I'll be visiting on a regular basis. Other than that I think I'll try to lay low. Allow those younger than me step up and take the reins. Give them the opprotunity afforded to me to learn by doing. If they ask for advice I'll give it to them, but I can't go butting in anymore. My place is to quietly sit in the corner with the advisors. To lean back and watch those who I have advised for the past year shine.

Having someone with you in your room is a blessing and a curse. I'm not comlaining about my situation, but it's taking a little to get used to. I've had the liberty of living alone for a little over a year now. Now, I have to relearn the rules of the roommate. On the plus side it's Rodriguez, so we spend most of our time laughing at each other or asking what is proper to say to a lady friend. Despite us being really good friends I think the roommate situation will work out great. We are both laid back, comfortable with being messy, and all around like to have fun. Small things like his tendency to lock things and my tendency to leave things unlocked may come into play. I can imagine that we'll roll with the punches just fine.

Other than that I'm waiting to talk to this girl that I'm apparently perfect for. She has yet to AIM me so once I get the cell phone situation figured out, I'm going to call to talk with her and maybe go out for some coffee. We'll see.

Other than that I'm waiting for my life to sweep me off of my feet.

The beauty of a wilting rose

2005-08-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

This past thursday I went to Greene County and my hometown of Linton. I had some time on my hands so I went to visit my Grandmother. I suggested we take a walk in her famous (at least within the family) garden. On the slow walk to the vegetable patch we passed a rose plant I remember her planting when I was in High School. At one time I remember the plant's copious vibrant blooms being the size of dinner plates. My grandmothers garden had provided many memories. Eating freshly picked tomatoes, fried okra, sweet corn, or the amazing herbs and flowers and the scents they produced. On my walk with my grandmother, the rose bush had a single wilting rose. The garden though fruitful was overridden with weeds. The red tomatoes could barely be discerned throught the mats of pestulent grass. My grandmothers car was falling apart. It had a flat tire and the front end had been baddly damaged.

All of this is symbolic of my grandmother. She is fading. She was once as sharp as a tack, now her memories overtake her reality. She becomes confused easily. Her hug is weeker. She is skinny. She is fading.

It's sad to think that once I leave for the Peace Corp that I may very well come back and be without her. But why is it that death is so sad. It is a beautiful part of life. A cycle completed. A celebration of the memories and life should usurp the grief. But still I know I will cry when I loose her.

I'm semi upset with my Fraternity. There is still 20% of the people doing 80% of the work. It seems that only a few people want the Fraternity to improve. Instead many are complacent. They don't plan, and aren't enthused. Maybe i'm just not seeing it. But I'm an alumni and it seems I'm doing more than many of the actives. How can I spark the enthusiasm of many to take the most from this Fraternity. To learn and in so doing make the Fraternity a better place.
Maybe I'm just a grumpy old man.

It's hitting me

2005-08-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

So last night a dear friend and Fraternity brother informed our Fraternity that he was not going to be returning to Rose in the fall. I had known of this decision for some time now, but still reading it hit me. It hit me that I too was leaving. I was saying goodbye. I would soon be a memory an old alum who visited telling stories of the glory days. I guess that's how life is, but I can say one thing the memory of me will be a good one. But as my Brother said "Once a Pike, always a Pike." I will always keep in my heart those I've met in this house those I've helped, those who have helped me. But I'm not leaving yet. I have more business to attend to.

I was recently informed by the mother of a Fraternity Brother that I had been an impressive influence on his life. That to me is amazing. Because I don't know who it was or what I did. The only advice I can give others who want to do what I've done is think of yourself last and others first. Unforturnately that has meant poor grades at Rose and some stressful times. But, in my humble opinion it was worth it. Because, I really don't think my GPA will matter when I die.

A weekend of fun

2005-08-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

So during the festivities this weekend I again became a parental figure. I don't truly understand why my instincts always make me into this caregiver. It seems as though I act like a child except alcohol is involved. It's as though I want to control them yet I should know better. People learn best from their mistakes. If I prevent them from messing up, they won't learn. Yet, sometimes it is a matter of annoyance. I have the friends that can just sit back, have a drink, and continue in a legitamite conversation. A conversation that brings meaning to words, rather than confusion. Nonetheless, I was once like the young men who were inebriated to the point of incapacitation. I learned how to limit myself and they will too. I just need to learn how to relax and allow them to learn.

My second lesson for the weekend was more self enlightenment than a lesson. I found that I enjoy girls who don't mind going to a strip club or talk about sex. I enjoy girls who are in touch with themselves and their sexuality. I also enjoy girls who have an athletic build. This is odd cuz I have yet to put physical attributes on the checklist for a future wife, but my desire is there. I don't want a skinny girl. I want one who could challenge me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

My third lesson is one I've heard a million times but I was actually able to practiced what I preached this time. You are the only one capable of making yourself happy. That's what I did. I wasn't feeling good so I went and did something fun. I talked about enjoying life even though life is hard....in general. I laughed about stupid things. I acted crazy. I met people. I felt more like myself. Making yourself happy is simple. Laugh.

2005-07-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

I got the Lab assistant job at Ivy Tech. WOOHHOOOO it's great to have two jobs.

I'll just be in a lab 30 hours a week. No big deal.

Peace Corp Update

2005-07-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

I've recently been nominated into a youth development program in Eastern Europe. It will leave in February. Upon looking on the Peace Corp. website, I found that Bulgaria is the only country in Eastern Europe that has a PCV youth development program. So, I'm guessing that this will be my home for awhile. Nonetheless, the website could be out dated or wrong. So it's finally going to happen. I'm leaving but I'll be able to chill here for a bit. I'm just worried that my mom is going to hear Eastern Europe and FREAK OUT!

Meanwhile, I'll be meeting with the Department Head of Ivy Tech's Biotechnology Department on wednesday. We'll be discussing a possible job as a Lab Assistant. So everyone keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Confidence is Amazing

2005-07-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

I just hope that everyone out there can eventually say. I CAN DO ANYTHING.

Realizing my blessings

2005-07-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

So today I finished the next book in the Harry Potter series. I'm impressed, but it's not my favorite one. I've also realized that there must be some magical force that's been pulling me around allowing me to help the people I meet. I think his name is God. I think he put me here to counsel people. To put faith in those who need faith, and beleif in those who need belief. The only thing is, I want to help ordinary people. Worse yet, I don't think I can honestly get paid for doing it. I think it would then loose the necessary motivation of helping people for it's intrinsic reward. Over the past month I've had revealing converstions with 3 people. If I were a psychiatrist whom they were visiting 1) I doubt they would trust me 2) I doubt they could afford me.

I've been blessed with the gift of listening. I think it would be a shame not to use it. But, what about myself? How will I provide for myself while allowing me the time to truly better the lives of others.

Why doesn't change happen

2005-07-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend was quite a bit of fun. I got to hang out with Jenn of Friday, but did leave her briefly to go pick up the 6th Harry Potter book. Saturday I spent the day at my friend Mel's lake house. There I learned to slalom (skiing on one ski). I was pumped. We partied a bit then shot the shit for the rest of the night.

Today, I've driven to Indy then Terre Haute then Bloomington then back to Terre Haute. During my time in Bloomington I realized first hand just how CRAPPY the town or Terre Haute is right now. Bloomington is this amazing southern Indiana town that plays host to Indiana University. Due to the large student population Bloomington is a haven for diversity. It's one of the few towns in southern Indiana where hearing three different languages while walking on the street isn't uncommon. Complementing the diversity is the plethora of independently own restaurants which boast unique and exciting cuisine possibilities. on a strech of fourth street many former homes have been converted into a spectrum of ethnic restaurants. From Thai to Cajun, Italian, orIndian. A block away from this cornucopia of culinary culture is Kirkwood Avenue. Kirkwood plays host to to some great bars that provide excellent night life. You can play sink the biz at Nick's English Hut, or go down to the Irish Lion for a yard of Bass. Kilroy's is huge and has a great outdoor area. This is just a sample of the pallete of nightlife choices available in Btown.

So why doesn't Terre Haute have a similar feel. It is home to 3 prominent institutions: Rose, ISU, and the Woods. They even have a prime setting. The "Brewery district" which is the location of the Terre Haute Brewing company as well as Mogger's and Stables. All of these are owned by the same family. So why is it that there isn't an build up of great multi cultural eateries?
I don't know but it should be done.

Going Home for the fourth.

2005-07-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend I shared in the celebration of our nation's independence with various activities ranging from skiing, to sitting by a campfire, watching movies by myself, or going to a local carnival.

For those of you who don't know, I hail from rural southern Indiana. I leave near Linton. This community annualy hosts Indiana's largest parade. Along with this comes the Freedom Festival. Returning to the festivities was somewhat disheartening to me. While I had always thought the carnival to be dirty and greatly unammusing. This year I was surrounded by individuals who seemed either hopelessly stuck or ignorantly content with being...white trash. I'm sad to say it but it's true. The people in that community would think a person who made $40 grand a year to be rich. While that is amazingly true in many developing nations around the world it is not true in America. Nonetheless, it is their freedom to be content with minimum wage. However, it concerns me that this vicious cycle will only perpetuate itself across generations.

Once I return from the Peace Corp. I hope to find a solution to this mess. As we are in desparate need.

Peace Corp Update and a some random acts of kindness

2005-06-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

My Life (Period)

I've found that the Peace Corp is a gigantic waiting game. It's like I know what I'm going to be doing, but I really don't know any of the specifics. It should be worth it. So far my top two picks are 1) Science teacher in the Philippines or 2) Health administrator in Fiji or the Tonga. No matter where I go I know that I'll only be able to take 80 pounds worth of luggage to a hot climate and 120 pounds to a cold climate. I've asked for a somewhat urban locale in hopes that I'll be able to remain connected to everyone via the internet rather than only posting once a month. So far I'm waiting to do the whole medical exam thing.

As for the rest of my life, well the job that is sufficing me between here and there stinks. It's telemarketing and it sucks big balls. Nonetheless, I've been able to meet some interesting people that I think I can help out of a rut. There names are Lance and Elizabeth.

Lance is eighteen and graduated from high school at the age of 14. He endlessly talks about the programs that he is developing. I've seen his desktop and he uses an OS that he developed himself. It's absolutely crazy how insanely intelligent this guy is but he is sitting around waiting for some IT company in the area to hire him. I suggested he look into Rose. He hasn't even taken the SAT. Why? Cuz he parents wanted him to get a real job like construction. It's amazing to me how damaging parents can be to gifted children. Last night I showed him where and how to sign up for the SAT. Since he is living on his own I suggested he look into getting some financial assistance to help him take the SAT. Well I opened the door. Now, he has to walk through it.

Elizabeth is 22 and married. She is working telemarketing so she can convince her moronic and msoginistic husband to allow her to return to school. She was attending St. Mary's when she was wrongly diagnosed with cancer. So she had chemo therapy to rid her of anemia. She is still paying for the treatments and her would be doctor has left the country with the Doctors without borders program. Thereby leaving him untouchable until he returns. She is now working on getting aid from the state to help her return to school and get her feet on the ground. Her marriage is horrible. She is essentially his slave. She is extremely embarassed about the idea of getting a divorce as her parents will not help her if she does. Talk about conservatism. I could literally see the pain and frustration this woman was dealing with in her eyes, yet still the people who should love her the most have failed to sympathize with her. I gave her my understanding and suggested she get out of the relationship as soon as she could financially manage.

I also might be switching jobs soon as it is vital that I leave this please. I've never felt so morally wrong. It pays the bills and that is all it does. So, I might be doing MEMS research with Dr. Ahmeed. If I'm lucky I'll be able to continue that into the fall. This should allow me to be on campus yet working. Also, I might have an opportunity to work at pfizer which would be a much higher paying position. We'll see

chaos...pure chaos

2005-06-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

My Life (Period)

I woke up this morning and was relieved that I didn't have a hang over...
Last night was McClurg's, a Fraternity Brother, 21st birthday. As the ritual prescribes we took him to the bar and fed him alcohol til he puked. Several brothers came including another Alum, Willis. I enjoyed having Willis around as we were able to trade funny stories about our recent lives as well as continue with the witty banter that usually develops between us.

We began the night and downtown and worked our way to Broadripple. As usual, the bars were packed. I wish there were good bars that fit everyone. I hate being packed like sardines in a bar where you have to scream to have a conversation. I don't understand how it is appealing to anyone. I do like meeting people. I just need space. Oh well that's said and done. Aside from the crowd I had a blast.

Today I woke up and found myself amazingly refreshed. I'm still sore from water skiing, but I've had fun today as well. I've explained blue balls, discussed girls, and newly realized life goals with a good friend. It was quite an assorted conversation. But it's good to hear someone else be passionate about their distaste for engineering.

My Peace Corp Process is well underway. I know a little bit more about the process and am hoping to be able to know where I'm going by September. Until then I'll be working my sucky telemarketing job and taking classes. But hey it needs to be done.

2005-05-24T01:23:00.000-07:00

So I've realized over the past weeks how deceitful I have been. And it bothers me. So I'm going to come clean online in a format that allows everyone to view it. I will walk through commencement and only recieve the cover of my degree. This means I have some making up to do. What happened? Well, I was stupid. I began staying up late. I didn't go to class. I didn't ask for help. I confined myself with my own problems. I did everything that I have told everyone else not to do. Then in order to pull myself out of the slump I lied. To friends, to professors, to brothers, and worst of all my parents. So what example am I setting for myself and others. Definitely not a good one. I was lazy and did nothing except talk to other people about the Fraternity or Life. Sure that won me the popularity contest, Pike of the Year award, but do I live up to the standards that I have pushed so many others to uphold. NO! I have avoided doing my own work. And for that I am eternally sorry.

Better yet I realize now how often I do it. I make up white lies to tell everyone. Then try to cover my own ass afterwards. I have been faithful, just not true. I hide behind so many lies. I shelter myself, WHAT DOES THIS DO FOR ME?! Nothing, it makes me cruel, evil, and unworthy. It makes me less than what everyone around me perceives me to be. I apologize for misleading anyone, I can only ask for forgiveness. I have no excuses to give you.

So what can I do about this. I must work and strive, to remain faithful and true to myself, others, and God. I've been lieing to myself all of these years. It's time for me to stop lieing and start DOing. But what am I going to do? I don't know. I don't have a purpose. So far I've made my decisions on what I think everyone else wants me to do or what I should do. I haven't looked up and asked God what his purpose is for me. So what do I do now. Well I look up, I pray, I begin living my life through God and for God. I just hope I can begin doing this, truly doing this, not a fissade, as it usually becomes.

GOD GRANT ME THE WISDOM TO KNOW YOUR PURPOSE FOR ME.

Seeing Evil and Hope

2005-04-23T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being the one who knows better. I'm tired of being the one who counsels. I'm tired of doing what is right, when no one else gives a damn. I'm tired of seeing the dark side of a man's heart. I'm tired of making tough decisions. I'm tired of living everyone else's life. I'm tired, but there is hope. Hope for the future. Hope to overcome. Hope to mend. Hope that others will grow.

Moving On

2005-02-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

It's hitting me. I won't be here next year. My time has passed. My life is changing. I'm awaiting the Peace Corp. It's a jump, and it's scary. But I'm ready to endure it, I'm ready to dive in and experience hard times. I want my current worries to seem petty because deep in my heart I know they are. I want to be humbled. I want experience a different life. I'm very excited, scared and nervous. However, I will still miss everyone that I've met here. I will be gone for two years, with very little contact to family and friends. I won't be back for Homecomeing. The current freshmen will be seniors on my first opportunity to return. I just hope that it will be worth it, and fulfilling.

2005-02-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

I miss her so much...I can smell her... I hear her voice in the darkness....I see her face in my dreams....I long I pine I perish....yet life's reality draws open my eyes to the happenings of today. I must follow my path for myself. And when it is in good time, in His time. We will be reunited, if that be His will. If not well at least I can say I have loved and been loved in return.

Realization

2005-02-07T01:24:00.000-08:00

So I realized tonight that I am that senior that is fearful of how things will turn out for my Fraternity. I am trying to impart my thoughts and ideas upons others. For this I am wrong. What I should be doing is telling others to think for themselves and not rely on me for guidance. What I am amazed by is that they are without me saying so. Tonight I was able to rant to a new Brother. He lended me the same compassionate ear that I lend to all of those in need. Upon this realization I found that my job here is done. I am handing over the job to able hands. Thank you for the compassionate ear.

Stillness

2005-02-06T01:52:00.000-08:00

I am now at home and am all alone. I love being here, but it feels a bit odd. All the trees are a bit greener, the stars are brighter, the sky is clearer. I feel at home but I’m still all alone. What I remember is no longer. What I cherish are the peculiar quirks I never noticed. It’s quiet, it almost feels like the calm before the storm. I am waiting for something to happen. I am waiting for chaos to break the silence. All of this makes me think would I appreciate home if I still lived here. The answer is simply no. I would forget the small characteristics I cherish. Life’s chaos would busy me. I wouldn’t have the time to appreciate the green trees, the bright stars, the clear sky.

Let me go deeper, beneath the surface of this observation. Can you truly appreciate something you are constantly around? Is it possible to be thoroughly grateful for a friend who is always there? The answer?...Well for me you can. It is how you measure true friendship. For if you can appreciate a friend when constantly in their company, you know you are truly best friends. That person makes the trees greener, the stars brighter, and the sky clearer.

So little time

2005-02-02T01:37:00.000-08:00

So tonight I was dissappointed in one of my little brothers. I overheard that he already has choosen to dislike a new associate. This is unfortunate, for I'm sure he hasn't taken the proper time to truly know and understand this associate. Oddly enough I think he could use a reality check. He needs to realize what the point behind the Fraternity is. That is not to better the organization, rather better the men who make up the organization. It frightens most that I doubt that I will change his mind. And better yet I can see it putting a rift between himself and tappy. I find it hard to believe that anyone can judge a person by how they act in class. I myself know better.

I did get the chance to take care of a Freshman today, I felt good. In so doing I met quite a few different guys from assorted Fraternities. I'm hoping to meet them again and find them as interesting to speak with.

Congrats to all of the Spring class. Gentlemen do me proud.

2005-01-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

Last night was too crazy, to say the least I feel bad and remorseful for my actions. I wasn't acting like myself. Funny though I was, it wasn't acceptable behavior. I'm not going to drink that much for awhile. I now realize why getting drunk doesn't appeal to me anymore. You act like an ass, and get nothing out of it except for cottonmouth the next day. So here's to drink resposibly and acting my age or older.

What a sucky day!

2005-01-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

I wake up and look at the clock....CRAP it's bright outside What time is it, the alarm clock is flashing and my computer says 12:30. I was suppose to be taking a test 2 hours ago. My life sucks right now. I just hope I can fix it. I'm making Basil salad for the dinner tonight and I am excited to share my recipe. We shall see. Thank God it's Friday.

The Life of a Confused Man?

2005-01-27T23:18:00.000-08:00

Life is a path with a neverending set of twists and turns. The road narrows at times. Occaisionally it splits into multiple paths. Tonight, I made a difficult choice. I choose to not be listen to a friend in need. Why? Well, I haven't focused on myself for so long I forgot how to do it. Also, I was tired. I was tired of being a shoulder to cry on. I was tired of being the one who says it's okay. I was tired of watching her allow herself to be miserable. I wanted to say grow up, deal with it, life is hard, life is tough, but it's worth it. I've been reading Matthew and am finding it intrigueing the things in my life that are unchristianlike. I'm praying for the guidance and courage to change those portions of my life. But is me telling her that I can't be there for her selfish? Or am I helping her by allowing her the opportunity to stand for herself and not rely on me. I'm very compassionate sometimes too much for my own good, but there is only so far that I can bend. I can't listen to everyone's problems and make them better.

How much giving is enough? When is it time to say no? I made my choice tonight, and I will deal with the reprecussions later.

As of May, hopefully, I will graduate from Rose-Hulman. I have no clue what awaits me outside the friendly doors which have sheltered me thus far. I have several options: Nursing School, Peace Corp, or Employment. I don't know which is possible but I'm wanting to find my way. It's scary to think that I may have two more years of school left, but hopefully it will be in the right direction. God has yet to illuminate his path, but I am waiting anxiously to find where he leads me.