To think or not to think???

Recently, I've been consistently questioning why this person would say this or that. I would analyze what reaction would be appropriate. I've been second guessing things. Waiting for approval. Now I realize that I don't need it. That I have to do what I feel is right and go from there. If I screw things up, then I'll analyze my actions.

What has caused this constant personal scrutinization. Why is it that I can't live in the moment? .... There I go thinking again.

Thank You

I want to put a simple thank you out there for anyone who has been supportive of me the past two years. I've been through a lot, and I'm still going. Again thanks to all.

Motivation

Tonight I'm posting from Jenn's apartment. We've had a good discussion tonight about motivation. The question is what motivates each of us as individuals. Jenn replied with a simple, streamline, yet sufficient response. "I want to be important in someway, no matter what aspect of my life" The spotlight then fell on me. Jenn's summation of me was brutally honest yet quite accurate. She told me that while most would think my motivation lied in helping others, she knew that helping others was a defense mechanism I have. A way to fill up or cover up any void that exists in my life. That I'm amazingly capable of taking a thought or ideal, and applying myself to it. Not just in an acceptable manner, but rather to the point my entire life revolves around it. Strangely enough this assessment is quite true. It explains much of my personality and other peoples reaction to me.

But it still fails to answer the original question. What is my motivation? Guess I have some soul searching to do.

Holy Update Batman!!!

So apparently people are thinking that I'm dead. But this guy has just been extremely busy.
Why?
Well a job for one. I am an Outside Sales Engineer for Interstate Wire. Which means that I drive around the Midwest telling people why they should buy wire from me. It's a lot like Rush, except money is involved. I love the job, but occaisionally the competitive aspects make me want to vomit. I've never been around so many ego driven personalities in my life. My boss is growing on me, but sometimes he is very hard to keep up with.

Also, I've been busy psuedo-advising for my Fraternity. Now, most would think this to be an easy task as we are one of the best, if not the best, Pike Chapters in the nation. However, there is always room for improvement. So I'm taking on the challenges that lie ahead. Many of which include pumping up a stale Alumni Relations program, helping develop an actual chapter education program, and filling in the blanks elsewhere. I've been really proud of various parts of the programming aspects of the chapter. Espeacially the realm of Associate Education and Community Service. The Associate Educator, Jeff Kennedy, has taken a more personal role to his position. With that I think he has created strong bonds with his associates. Instead of the structure of the organization, he's taught them the values of the Fraternity. I can't wait to call these new guys Brothers. The Community Service Chair, Travis Kidwell, has worked extremely hard to get the chapter over 3000 service hours this year. I've been amazed at how well he gets the job done. Initiation as well as banquet is this weekend. During Baquet, I will present the first annual Alumni Association Zeal Award. I'm kinda nervous about giving a formal speech in front of everyone.

Alas, I've finally reenterred the dating world and with it comes fun times and not so fun times. I was set up on a blind date last week. While it went well, I think I would end up in another Christy like relationship. Where I give but don't recieve. I met someone this weekend who I would like to spend more time with, but don't want to push it.

Well that is the goings on in my life. I'll preparing a more deep thoughts post for later tonight. Hasta Lasagna!

Surgery

Over the past 1.5 weeks my navel has went from leaking, to swollen, and now it is black. Tomorrow, it will be gone. I've herniated my umbilical cord, and am having surgery tomorrow. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Watching the first step

I have so many things going on it's hard to enumerate them, but for you, my loving audience, I shall attempt.

1) Job Potential with Interstate Wire:
Interstate wire makes wire for a myriad of functions. I am currently gunning for an Outside Sales Job. Why is this so cool? This company currently has 2 outside salesmen for the entire country. The have over 10,000 accounts and only call on about 900 of them. This gives me the opportunity of a lifetime. I will be attempting to get on the bid list of several companies. That in essence is my job description. Of course this also entails quite a bit of travel, which is a plus for me. As well, I will start out working out of my home. It sounds like the perfect job right. Well, it is, but I'm am going to have to be strongly diciplined and willing to sacrifice a lot of time and energy. However, I don't have anything to sacrifice. I have all of the time in the world. I'm setting the stage for my future, and I'm making sure it's a bright one.

2) Friends that are doing better
It seems that all of my friends that had problems are doing better. I had once been fearful of the destructive mindsets of a few of them. Now, I realize that all of them are capable of leading healthy, happy lives. They are will to deal with the past and move on. I wish them the best of luck.

3) A Fraternity that has it's shit together.
I'm seeing growth and development out of my Fraternity. However, I also see discontent out of a few political groups. There is always a balance to be found between tolerance of different mindsets and the expectations of membership. This balance has been teetering for years. As Keacher would say, "it's a sinusoid." It has a perious of about 4 years (imagine that). The most important thing that I've seen though is the enthusiasm of many (not all). As well, our character is still shining through. Our expectations of Brothers to learn and grow from mistakes and to develop into a better person. Our acceptance of those who need it. The state of my Fraternity is good, and with that I leave it in capable hands. I will visit, and remain abreast of situations. Nonetheless, I will stay out of the mess.

4) Girl opportunities:
I recently wrote what I want in a future wife. Hopefully, I'll soon be able to pursue romantic relationships again. It's not because of an emotional temperance rather my finacial situation. Here's the description of my dream wife.

My future wife will be an assortment of wonderful things, and it’s likely that imperfection is key. Mostly she will be as caring for me as I am for others. She will be able to take on the world herself, but still ask me for help. She doesn’t require daily compliments, but accepts them humbly when they are offered. She laughs a sweet laugh full of joy and characteristic of a full life. She is unafraid to cry and unafraid to smile. She can open her own door, but is thankful when one is opened for her. She is courageous, yet able to admit she’s scared. She can trek to the highest mountain as well as dress in the finest gowns. She can enjoy every moment life blesses her with while remembering to plan for the future. She can deal with my clutter, while reminding me to be tidy. She is nice, yet truthful. She gives and receives. She has baggage, and is willing to share it. She sees past flaws and is fearful of the flawless. She looks beautiful when she’s in her pajamas, and is unafraid of no make-up. She is confident without being conceited. She is wild and crazy at times, and tame and calm at others. She respects people inherently, but knows that respect is easy to lose. She sees through my masks and into my soul. She’ll dance like no one is looking. She will gaze at the cosmos with wonder and comfort. She has that uncommon grace that unlikely stature.

The only bummer in my life is my parents. I just wish they would realize just how lucky they are to have each other.

Pike Pride

I had a fun and interesting weekend. Melissa asked me to go to Terre Haute with her. We left on Friday in hopes to extend our visitation time with great friends. Upon our arrival, I find out that many of my Brothers are at the basketball game (Foam Finger Night). Walking into the arena I see Batta, a Pike alum who had recently returned from the UK. I enjoyed seeing a past familiar face as much as enjoyed NOT being the only Alumni who had returned. Little did I know that two other blasts from the past had returned to the House. I later found Luke McKinney and Bill Middendorg playing pool at the Pike house. I may be wrong in saying this, but this is the most I've seen of fellow Alumni in a long time. I'm excited to see my fellow alumni returning to the house to visit and meet the chapter's future. I hope I can perpetuate this.

Later that night we went to the Bally for a Rich Hardesty concert. It's awesome to drink with my Brothers. Mel and I parted ways at this point. I was later called into a small instance of damage control at the end of the night.

Mel had asked me to Terre Haute to attend a Tri Delta/Delta Sig event known as Polar Ice. Polar Ice consists of sitting out in twenty degree weather drinking beer until you feel warm. Being a Pike, I felt drastically out of place. So, I ate my burger and went to Pike to hang out. I enjoyed simply jumping from room to room discussing Pike's future with the Freshmen. I've seen these guys go from strangers to Brothers in eight weeks and am damn proud of them.

Finally I got to attend a Rush event. I once again met the Fraternity's future. I liked the guys at my table quite a bit, and wish them the best of luck. The Brothers will decide on Bids tomorrow. We initiated 34 of our Fall class. We have 6 master associates and we could sign as many as 13 new guys. 47 Freshmen is amazing, I just don't know where we are going to put all of them. I have faith that we will find a way. It's been a fun weekend.